Dear Mr. Brand,
There has been such an elevated buzz in the offices since news of you agreeing to join our team was learned. The newly-formed relationship was announced on Morning Joe today during the segment, “What Happens When You Suck at Your Job?” Marketing executives believe that Everyone Loves Their Own Brand, though a poignant title, may be too long given the short attention span of many of our listeners. How about Brand-Aid?
That idea was suggested by Mika’s assistant, Jane Bennett, who has been the victim of profuse pronoun pelting as well. Additionally, she too has a unique look and an imperceptibly non-understandable way of speaking and will therefore, we believe, be a most suitable co-host for your etiquette segment. And because she is not a stilted, sexually-repressed, intellectually slothful “blond”, we do not foresee any hiccups due to carbonated drink bottles. Speaking of the plastic eyesores you were kind enough to point out as environmentally unsound, they will be replaced with a lovely china set with which Ms. Bennett will gladfully pour tea each show.
Now, there is just one teensy weensy item needing to be ironed out. It is a silly matter really and one I am sure will be easily resolved. A precise checklist will be written-up by our legal team for you to sign prior to your first episode. And don’t worry, the Tweeters and Facebookers who work so furiously disseminating information will not have access to that list. Though that gaggle will not, the NSA will, of course, because our MSNBC family believes in your safety and security.
And it truly is for your safety and security that the checklist was suggested in the first place. After all, in light of Michael Hasting’s tragic murder, the press really cannot have any assurance of either safety or security to speak at will. You must admit that is fair since the media ought not to have special privileges not shared by the public. I am sure you will agree when you see it, that the aforementioned checklist is hardly a sacrifice compared to the value of your safety and security. A few of the restricted topics include Bradley Manning, Edward Snowdon, and Cannabis Cure. The others are a bit more general and will be explained in detail in your contract.
I do so look forward to seeing you around; you are just so fun to look at. In fact, you remind me of my first crush, David Cassidy, in whose eternal words my thoughts run, “I Think I Love You”. Have a wonderful holiday weekend. Don’t you feel blessed to be allowed to live in a country that has a 4th of July and where God’s grace shines on thee as is evidenced by no bombs bursting in air here?